| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Gents |
Posted - 05/05/2004 : 16:42:49
TALKING CLOCK
> >
> >A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
> >friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a
> >big brass gong next to the bed.
> >
> >"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests
> >asked.
> >
> >
> >"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
> >
> >"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
> >
> >"Yup," replied the drunk.
> >
> >"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
> >
> >"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
> >ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
> >another for a moment.
> >
> >Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole,
> >it's ten past three in the morning
ZIDER! |
| 15 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Gents |
Posted - 13/07/2006 : 15:54:09
Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found head butted to death in the apartment of a French footballer...
Apparently it was murder on Zidane's floor
ZIDER |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 08/05/2006 : 19:12:17
Hours of fun:
http://www.sickipedia.org/index.php?title=Main_Page
And you will know us by the trail of empties.... |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 30/03/2006 : 16:40:58
London Zoo have a problem with a very rare breed of female gorilla. She's behaving very strangely and aggressively, so they get the experts in.
The verdict from the top expert on rare breeds of female gorillas: "It's simple. She's on heat and needs to mate within 48 hours. If she doesn't, she could become extremely dangerous."
The zoo's board has an emergency meeting. They don't have a suitable mate and they don't have time to get a stud in from another zoo. What can be done?
One of the managers says:"I may have a possible solution. We have a chap who's just started work as a cleaner. He's enormous, very ugly and incredibly hairy. Perhaps the gorilla might mistake him for a mate and get down to business."
The board decides it's worth a try, so they summon him to their presence. His name is Michael O'Flaherty.
The chairman says:"Michael. We've brought you here to ask you to do something which would get the zoo out of a very tricky situation. It's very unpleasant, and we know it would be asking a lot, No point beating about the bush. For five hundred pounds, would you mate with our rare breed of female gorilla?"
Michael scratches his head:"You're right. That certainly is asking a lot."
Chairman. "We know that, Michael, but the zoo is depending on you. For five hundred pounds, would you do it?"
Michael scratches his head again. "Well, okay, but there must be four conditions."
Chairman: "Certainly, Michael. What are the conditions?"
Michael:"Well, first of all, could you put a brown paper bag over her head? She's awful ugly.
Second, can you make sure that nobody outside of the zoo ever gets to hear about this? If my family in Cork heard about this, they'd die of shame. Third, if there's any offspring as a result of our union, could you bring them up as a good Irish Catholic?"
Chairman:"We'd be delighted, Michael. What's the fourth condition?"
Michael: "I'm a bit short at the moment. Can I pay you next week?" |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 30/03/2006 : 16:38:52
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students?"
Wait a moment," Socrates replied. " Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the triple filter test."
"Triplefilter???"
"That's right," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student lets take a moment to filter what you are going to say."
"The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are going to tell me is true?"
No the man said "actually, I just heard it"
"All right said Socrates "So you don't know if it's true or not"
"Now lets try the second filter for Goodness".
"Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No on the contrary"
"So," Socrates continued "You want to tell me something bad even though you are not certain if it is true"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued.
"You may still pass the test though because the third filter is Usefulness. Is what you are going to tell me Useful?"
"No not really"
"Well" continued Socrates "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such great esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife. |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 25/11/2005 : 12:38:21
I hear Gary Glitter is going to be the next Dr Who...
... apparently he will have two assistants, K9 and Kim Soo, eleven.
And you will know us by the trail of empties.... |
| Gents |
Posted - 25/11/2005 : 11:10:22
Child to Mother: "Will they be hanging xmas trimmings in vietnam this year?"
Mother replies: "No, but they may be hanging glitter."
ZIDER |
| Maddog |
Posted - 24/11/2005 : 13:51:46
After hearing the new that he faces the death penalty if convicted of child abuse charges in Vietnam, Gary Glitter has reportedly requested that Peter Crouch be part of the firing squad! |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 21/11/2005 : 13:02:26
4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman. It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek. The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him". The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him". The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me". The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French t**t again".
|
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 16/11/2005 : 16:42:19
A man goes to the Doctor's with a bit of lettuce hanging from his ar*e, the Doctor says, "That's terrible!"
The man says, "That's only the tip of the iceberg."
(Is it me or are these jokes getting worse?) |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 11/11/2005 : 16:08:21
Doctor says to patient: "I have some bad news about
the bird flu you have caught."
Patient: "Oh, not. What is it doc?"
Doc says: "It's untweetable."
And you will know us by the trail of empties.... |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 07/11/2005 : 16:26:23
A family of Arsenal supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in the local sports store the son picks up a Spurs shirt and says to his 10 year old sister "Hey mole, I've decided to become a Spurs supporter and I want this for Christmas."
His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head with her carton of fags and says, "s**thead, go talk to Mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Spurs shirt stuffed up his T-shirt and finds his mum.
"Mum?"
"Yes, son."
"I've decided to become a Spurs supporter and I want this shirt for Christmas."
The mother is outraged and throws her slippers and a full tin of Bitter at him, smacks him in the gob and says "Let’s go talk to your father."
Off they go to the day-release centre during visiting hours, with Spurs shirt in hand, and find Dave, his toothless tattooed father.
"Dad?"
"Yes ,Knackers"
"I’ve decided I'm going to be a Spurs supporter and I want this shirt for Christmas."
Dave goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says "No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that s**t" and then kicks his arse from one end of the rec room to the other, just for good measure.
About half an hour later they're all back in the old Morris and heading towards home to Highbury.
The Mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?"
The son says "s**t Yes you old slag, I bloody well have."
"Good Knackers, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Spurs supporter for an hour and I already hate you Arsenal pricks." |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 31/10/2005 : 13:38:02
A middle aged man had been feeling dreadful for some time, he’d been under increasing pressure at work, his relationship with his wife was in a parlous state, and he took no joy in the company of his children, and they took no joy in his. He visited his doctor, who after a lengthy examination, told him that he was in great danger of a heart attack, stroke, or at least a complete mental breakdown. The doctor was reluctant to prescribe medicine, believing that the cure for the man’s ills lay within the man himself. He advised him to get away completely for at least three months, leaving behind all the things that had become so difficult for him, furthermore, he should live like a monk: no stimulants; no trappings of modern life; try and find complete solitude. This, the doctor believed, was the only way to stave off an early death, and a good way for the man to learn where his true priorities lay.
The man recognised the wisdom of the doctor’s advice, he took extended leave from his job and told his family of his intentions. His wife, realising the seriousness of the situation, booked a cottage in a remote part of North Wales and drove the man there, he took with him a few supplies, some simple tools, clothes, maps, and a large box of books that he’d been planning to read for many years but had never got around to, she arranged to come and pick him up in three months and bade a tearful farewell.
The cottage was indeed remote: surrounded by mountains and with his nearest neighbours over two miles away, the man had his solitude. The cottage was also primitive, there was no electricity, no telephone, heating was provided by a wood burning stove, and water had to be drawn from a well. The man was exhilarated, as the days passed he felt his old strength returning and with it, his enthusiasm for life. There may have been few people in the area, but it was well populated with wild-life; the man caught fish from the many streams that ran through the valleys that threaded through the mountains, above which eagles and buzzards soared, looking for the many rabbits that lived upon the sweet grass that spread across the sides of some of the lower hills, the man trapped the rabbits for food, stewing them with the wild garlic that grew in pungent abundance in the forest to the rear of the cottage, the same forest from which the man took the timber that he’d felled to fuel his stove. After the man had done enough work to ensure another day’s survival, he would run along the zig-zag paths cut through the scree by mountain goats, increasingly sure-footed, increasingly confident, increasingly alive. At night, after eating, the man would read by candlelight the many books he’d brought with him. And as the time drew near for him to return home, he’d realised the futility of his earlier existence and vowed to change.
About two weeks before his wife was due to come and pick him up, something strange occurred: he was busy carving some wood to make presents for his children when he thought he heard a knock at the door, a few seconds later and there was more knocking, this time it was louder and more insistent. The man was surprised - and even more surprised when he opened the door and saw his visitor: there stood a very broad shouldered, very tall, very swarthy, thickly bearded man with dark glinting eyes; dressed in an old suit over which he wore a stained raincoat, belted with bailing twine.
“Morning, I’m your neighbour” the visitor waved an arm vaguely in the direction of a distant hill, and carried on in a broad accent, “tomorrow I’m having a party see, and you’re invited.”
The man was momentarily lost for words, he’d not seen or spoke to anybody in nearly three months, but his mind raced – perhaps it would be good to go to a party – after all it couldn’t do him any harm, he was fitter and stronger than he’d been since he was a young man, and he was struck by a very strong emotional charge which took a few seconds for him to realise the significance of: he’d started to miss human company.
“ I – well, er, thank you.” Said the man, his voice sounding slightly strange to him as he’d not spoken for so long, “where and when?”
“Follow the goat trail there for two miles or so and you’ll get to my farm see? I’d start out around sunset if I were you look.”
“That’s great, thanks, I’ll be there.”
The visitor turned to leave, paused and turned back, “There is one thing though,”
“Yes?” said the man,
“There’s an awful lot of heavy drinking goes on at my parties, you wouldn’t have a problem with that would you?”
“No, in fact I haven’t had drink for months, but I used to enjoy a drink, it helps me relax.” said the man,
“Good” said the visitor, “Oh just one more thing, after all the drinking, there’s usually a lot of singing and dancing see, you wouldn’t have a problem with that would you but?
“No, sounds great – just what I need!”
“Good” said the visitor, “Oh, and another thing, this is a bit awkward see, but I must warn you but there’s sometimes a bit of fighting breaks out at my parties, would you, er, have a problem with that?
The man was slightly taken aback, but after brief reflection on his very good physical condition and his new found confidence in it said,
“Obviously I’d try and avoid any unpleasantness, but I can assure you that I can look after myself should the need arise.”
“Oh that’s very good see, very good.” Once more the visitor turned to leave and once more the visitor paused and turned back, “There is just one other thing, I hope you’re not easily offended but, usually at my parties after all the heavy drinking, dancing, singing and fighting, there is an awful lot of wild uninhibited sex, how would you feel about that then?”
The man thought, he’d never been unfaithful to his wife, but things hadn’t been good between them for some time, he also had a nagging doubt about how his wife had coped during his time away, but overcome with excitement at this strange and completely unexpected turn of events he found himself saying,
“Fantastic! After being cooped up here on my own for so long, your party is just the thing I need to prepare me for going home, I’ll be there just after sun down, but tell me,” said the man, “Will there be many other guests?”
“What other guests?” said the visitor.
|
| Gents |
Posted - 27/10/2005 : 12:16:05
Learn Chinese in 2 minutes ... (Please read definitions aloud for
optimal memory retention)
> >1) That's not right ...................... Sum Ting Wong
> >2) Are you harboring a fugitive....... Hu Yu Hai Ding
> >3) See me ASAP........................ ..Kum Hia Nao
> >4) Stupid Man ........................... Dum Fuk
> >5) Small Horse ...................... ... Tai Ni Po Ni
> >6) Did you go to the beach?........... Wai Yu So Tan
> >7) I bumped into a coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
> >8) I think you need a face lift........ Chin Tu Fat
> >9) It's very dark in here ............ Wao So Dim
> >10)I thought you were on a diet....Wai Yu Mun Ching
> >11) This is a tow away zone ..........No Pah King
> >12) Our meeting is tomorrow ....... Wai Yu Kum Nao
> >13) Staying out of sight ............. Lei Ying Lo
> >14) He's cleaning his automobile ...Wa Shing Ka
> >15) Your body odor is offensive ... Yu Stin Ki Pu
> >16) Great ............................... Fa Kin Su Pah
ZIDER |
| Tharg drinker of cider |
Posted - 05/08/2005 : 11:32:57
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
And you will know us by the trail of empties.... |
| Gents |
Posted - 17/06/2005 : 09:43:21
> ONE GOOD REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!!!
>
>
>
> A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween
> party.
>
>
>
> The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to
the
> party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and
> said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
there was no
> need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
>
>
>
> So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after
sleeping
> soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was
still early,
> decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her
costume
> was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her
husband to see
> how he acted when she was not with him.
>
>
>
> So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume,
> cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
"chick" he
> could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
>
>
>
> His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he
> left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
>
>
>
> She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was
her husband.
> After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition
in her
> ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and
had
> passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking
at
> midnight, she slipped away and w ent home and put the costume
away and
> got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make
up for
> his outrageous behaviour.
>
>
>
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what
kind of
> time he had.
>
>
>
> "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you're
> not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell
> you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met
Pete, Bill
> Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played
> poker all evening"
>
>
>
> You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all
> night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
>
>
>
> To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to
your Dad,
> apparently he had the time of his life."
ZIDER |
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