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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
 Posted - 05/05/2004 : 16:42:49
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TALKING CLOCK
> >
> >A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
> >friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a
> >big brass gong next to the bed.
> >
> >"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests
> >asked.
> >
> >
> >"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
> >
> >"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
> >
> >"Yup," replied the drunk.
> >
> >"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
> >
> >"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
> >ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
> >another for a moment.
> >
> >Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole,
> >it's ten past three in the morning
ZIDER! |
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Jungle Jim
HMZ God
Falkland Islands
1872 Posts |
Posted - 12/05/2004 : 16:59:16
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A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger"
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water, I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
Hannah More Zider...
keeping the apples burning 
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Smithy
HMZ God
Solomon Islands
1073 Posts |
Posted - 13/05/2004 : 08:54:17
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This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper (UK).
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy
from Liverpool. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is
currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for
the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, and the other currently
being held in Wandsworth remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would
at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing
her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with
her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?
 
Hannah More Zider......
Not for the French |
Edited by - Smithy on 13/05/2004 08:55:00 |
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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
Posted - 14/05/2004 : 14:07:22
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Nursery Rhymes
(2nd from last may be a potential quiz name?)
Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her Thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
...but she didn't wear that one very often
Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*** him, He's only an egg.
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
ZIDER! |
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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
Posted - 17/05/2004 : 10:15:47
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A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:
>
> 1 Bar of Soap
> 1 Toothbrush
> 1 Tube of toothpaste
> 1 loaf of bread
> 1 pint of milk
> 1 apple
> 1 banana
> 1 orange
> 1 plum
> 1 grapefruit
> 1 tomato
> 1 lettuce
> 1 cabbage
> 1 baking potato
> 1 kraft single
> 1 samosa
> 1 vegetable pakora
> 1 muesli bar
> 1 pie
> 1 frozen pizza
> 1 single frozen dinner
> The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying
> a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.
> As she turns he smiles at her and says,"Single, eh?"
> The girl smiles sheepishly whilst a little flirting begins from her and
replies"How did you guess?"
> He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says
> "Because you're minging"
ZIDER! |
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Ricardiño
HMZ God
Brazil
841 Posts |
Posted - 17/05/2004 : 10:26:49
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What did Michael Jackson say to Garry Glitter?
Swap you two fives for a ten?
Make her day, put something in cider |
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freelovematty
Cider Bus Convert
Tuvalu
102 Posts |
Posted - 17/05/2004 : 18:06:26
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Why did Gwyneth Paltrow call her baby daughter apple?
Cos she was in-cider!
It costs nothing to love someone |
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Jungle Jim
HMZ God
Falkland Islands
1872 Posts |
Posted - 01/06/2004 : 11:36:28
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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth
Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
And drives off. |
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Smithy
HMZ God
Solomon Islands
1073 Posts |
Posted - 01/07/2004 : 10:35:41
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> Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the
throne
of Heaven.
>
> God looks at them and says; "Before granting you a place at my side,
I
must first ask you what you believe in."
>
> Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?"
>
> Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe
football
to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so
many
people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have
devoted
my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting
their club."
>
> God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.
>
> He then turns to Luis Figo, "And you, Luis, what do you believe?"
>
> Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion
are
the
fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a
living embodiment of these traits."
>
> God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.
>
> Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "And you, Wayne, what do you
believe?"
>
> "I believe", says Rooney, "that you're sitting in my seat."
Hannah More Zider......
In the Dogging Tent |
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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
Posted - 01/07/2004 : 10:42:46
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The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
> >Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.
> >These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,
> >It takes the prize.
> >
> >1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
> >fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father
> >of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
> >
> >2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I
> > was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I
> >can
> > provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
> > if this helps.
> >
> >3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
> >conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
> >with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
> >that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you
> >send me his phone number? Thanks.
> >
> >4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
> >BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
> >door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area
and
> >see if
> >he's had it replaced.
> >
> >5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
> >Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
> >Christ risen again.
> >
> > 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
> >to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
> >implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by
> >you and right by the country. Please advise.
> >
> >7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
> >the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.
> >
> > 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,
> >can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
> >
> >9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
> > Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
> >
> >10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
> >for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
> >evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going
> >to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained
> >unfertilized.
> >
> >11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
> >when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
> >
>
ZIDER! |
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freelovematty
Cider Bus Convert
Tuvalu
102 Posts |
Posted - 06/07/2004 : 09:34:44
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What do mexican carpet fitters shout?
Underlay, underlay!
It costs nothing to love someone |
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Smithy
HMZ God
Solomon Islands
1073 Posts |
Posted - 07/07/2004 : 15:17:32
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Did you make that joke up yourself matty?
Hannah More Zider......
In the Dogging Tent |
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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2004 : 09:50:41
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An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the
corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising Him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's
Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus
accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus
approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then
shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the
man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my
life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the
Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God.
"What's wrong?" says Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F*** off mate, I'm on disability benefit!"
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when
he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer
approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man,"Was I driving badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,
when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to
you!!!
> > > _________________________________________
> > > A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just
passed
> > > away.
> > > At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the
> >casket
> > > out
> > > when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the ca!
> > > sket.
> >They
> > > hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that t he
woman
> >is
> > > actually
> > > alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies
> > > peacefully.
A
> > > ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of
the
> > > ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the
> > > casket. As
> >they
> > > are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!""
> > > ______________________________________
> > > A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn,
she
> > > climbs
> > > up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa
> > > to
> >bring
> > > you
> > > for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie
> > > and
> >Action
> > > Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I
> > > thought
> > > Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She
> > > comes
> >with
> > > Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
> > > _______________________________________
> > > The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and
> > > asked
for
> >a
> > > thin and crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross.
> > > _______________________________________
> > > There was a man who entered a! local paper's pun contest.
> > > He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least
> > > one of
> >the
> > > puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> > > _______________________________________
> > > A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> > > She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while
> > > her
dad
> > > gets
> > > his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says,
> > > "Sweetheart,
> >you're
> > > gonna get hair on your muffin." "I know," she replies. "I'm
gonna
> > > get
> > > t*ts too."
> > > ______________________________________
> > > Scientists today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when
> > > they
> >opened
> > > the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano
> > > backwards.
> > > When asked what this meant a spokesman said he was
> > > de-composing
> > > _______________________________________
> > > Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World
Origami
> > > Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available
> > > on
> >Paper
> > > View
> > > _____________________________________
> > > ! Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day
> > > while
> > > they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly
> > > jumped
> > > into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed
> > > there.
> > > Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and
> > > pulled
> > > Jim out.
> > > When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
> > > act
> >she
> > > immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
> > > as
> >she
> > > now
> > > considered her to be mentally stable.
> > > When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have
good
> > > news
> > > and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;
> > > since
you
> > > were
> > > able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
> > > saving
> >the
> > > life of another patient, I have concluded that your act
displays
> > > sound
> > > mindedness."
> > > The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself
right
> > > after
> > > you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am
> > > so
> >sorry,
> > > but he's dead."
> > > Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to
> > > dry.
ZIDER! |
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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
Posted - 09/03/2005 : 13:51:51
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Customer: Worcester sauce please mate...
Shop Keeper: Sorry can't its off the shelves, cancer scare.
C: Oh right, uh Chinese Chicken Wings?
S: Ah that's the same mate, cancer scare
C: Hamburger Relish?
S: Cancer scare
C: Sausage and Mash? >
S: Cancer scare
C: Cottage Pie?
S: Aye, ...no wait, cancer scare.
C: So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare?
S: Yup.
C: Jesus, that's mad, just give me a packet of fags then.
S: £6.50, please.
ZIDER! |
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Smithy
HMZ God
Solomon Islands
1073 Posts |
Posted - 15/03/2005 : 16:29:32
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A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Hannah More Zider......
In the Dogging Tent |
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Gents
HMZ God
Trinidad and Tobago
2214 Posts |
Posted - 21/03/2005 : 09:15:42
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Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
>A: Because they aren't his!
>
>Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
> A : Get out of my sun!
>
>Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
>A: Throw him a buoy!
>
>Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
>A: He thought it was a delivery service.
>
>Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
>A: One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
>
>Q: How do we know Michael is guilty?
>A: Several children have fingered him.
>
>Q. Why did Michael Jackson rush over to Wal-Mart?
>A. He heard that boys' pants were 1/2 off.
>
>Q. What's the difference between a supermarket bag and Michael Jackson?
> A. One is white, made of plastic, and should be kept away from small
>children. The other is used to hold groceries.
>
>Q. How do you know when it's bedtime at the Neverland Ranch?
>A. When the big hand touches the little hand.
>
>Q. What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
> A . Michael Jackson's hand.
>
>Q. What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every
>night?
>A. Hanson.
>
>Q. What the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
>A. Acne doesn't come on your face until you're about fifteen.
>
>Q. Why can you always win a race with Michael Jackson?
>A. Because he always likes to come in a little behind.
>
>Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Gary Glitter?
>A. I'll swap you a 10 for two fives
>
>Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect "10"?
>A: Two 5 year olds.
>
>Janet and Michael Jackson were at home one night... Janet: Shall we get a
>pizza and video tonight?
>Michael: Yeah, okay, can we get Aladdin?
> Janet: No, just a pizza and video
>
>Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
>A: Michael Jackson
>
>Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?
>A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.
>
>Q: What do Michael and homework have in common?
>A: Both are a pain in the ass to kids
>
>The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson: If he hears any more
>allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to
>make him a priest.
>
>FBI have raided Michael Jackson's house: They found class A drugs in his
>kitchen, Class B drugs in his living room and Class 5C in his bedroom.
>
>Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby
>son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can
>have sex?" ''I'd wait until he's at least 14," the doctor replies.
ZIDER! |
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joke
